I am Ryan Cross, and I’ve always felt different from those around me. Since I was young, I’ve embraced my passion for crossdressing, indulging in the joy of wearing dresses, silky pantyhose, and delicate lingerie—all in secret.
Growing up, the boys around me seemed to fit the mold perfectly—sports, rough play, competition, and talking about cars. It all felt foreign to me. While they thrived in this world, I was constantly distracted, my attention drawn to something that felt entirely different.
The soft, delicate feel of silk against my skin, the intricate design of lace, the elegance of a woman’s dress—these were the things that captivated me and filled me with a longing I couldn’t put into words. It wasn’t just curiosity; it was an unshakable feeling that this was who I was meant to be.
Now, at 33, I find solace in the confines of my apartment, where I can truly be myself. This is where I can let go of all the expectations placed on me, where I can embrace the woman I’ve always felt inside. Every Saturday evening becomes a cherished ritual. After a long week of work, I lock the door, ensuring my sanctuary remains private. The world outside doesn’t need to know this part of me, and I am content with that—for now.
I pull out my favorite floral dress, a soft fabric that flows beautifully, making me feel both elegant and free. Slipping it over my head feels like shedding a layer of my everyday life, revealing a more authentic version of myself.
Tonight is no different. I meticulously select a matching set of lingerie, relishing the way the delicate lace feels against my skin. I adore the sensuality of the fabric—a secret pleasure that boosts my confidence. After slipping into silky pantyhose, I admire my reflection in the mirror. The smoothness of my legs is intoxicating, enhancing my sense of femininity. I revel in the feeling, every movement becoming a dance of self-expression, a celebration of who I truly am on the inside.
With a playful smile, I reach for my makeup kit. Each brushstroke is an act of self-love, transforming my features and allowing my inner beauty to shine. I apply foundation, blush, and a touch of eyeshadow, savoring the magic of the transformation. The final touch—a bold lipstick—makes me feel empowered.
“This is who I am,” I whisper to myself, feeling a rush of excitement. The mirror reflects a version of me I’ve always known existed but have been too afraid to show the world. In these moments, I can be the person I was always meant to be.
One of my cherished rituals is shaving my body hair. It’s a meditative process that makes me feel liberated and more in tune with my femininity. I take my time, enjoying the smoothness that follows, a physical reminder of the beauty I seek to embody. It’s not just about the aesthetics; it’s about feeling at home in my own skin, feeling complete in a way that I can’t achieve in my everyday life.
As the evening unfolds, I feel a sense of peace envelop me. I practice poses in front of the mirror, experimenting with different expressions and laughing at my reflection. This is my escape—a space where I can fully embrace my identity without fear of judgment. I lose myself in the process, in the feeling of silk and lace, of beauty and freedom. It’s my time to be me, to take off the mask I wear in the outside world and reveal the true essence of who I am.
As I glance at the clock, I realize it’s time to wrap up my evening. With a heavy heart, I change back into my everyday clothes, but the joy of the night lingers in my spirit. Each time I dress as a woman, I feel more connected to my true self, a feeling I cherish deeply. I wish I could live this way every day, but the fear of rejection is a constant companion. I know the world isn’t ready to accept me for who I am, and in many ways, neither am I. But the desire to embrace my femininity and live authentically grows stronger each day.
As I moved into my own apartment and began to live independently, I decided to take a big step. With my new job and a steady income, I was finally in a position to make a change. I started buying dresses online. At first, it was just a few pieces here and there—dresses, skirts, blouses—but the excitement I felt when they arrived at my doorstep was indescribable. It wasn’t just the clothes; it was the fact that I could now express myself freely, without judgment. I could finally be the person I had always wanted to be.
Every weekend, I would dress up in my new clothes, experimenting with different looks, makeup styles, and hairstyles. My self-confidence grew with each passing day. I was beginning to feel more comfortable in my own skin, and although I knew I couldn’t share this side of myself with everyone, it didn’t matter. I was finally living for me.
Still, the fear remained.
I wasn’t ready to reveal my true self to the world. Not yet. , I knew that one day I would have the courage to live my truth—no matter what anyone else thought.
Determined to find a way to bridge my two worlds, I begin to contemplate sharing my secret with a trusted friend. Perhaps, with their support, I can explore the possibility of expressing myself more openly. The thought both excites and terrifies me, but I know it’s a step I need to take. It’s not just about wearing dresses or makeup—it’s about finally embracing all that I am, all that I’ve kept hidden for so long. It’s about stepping into my own light and being unafraid of who I am.
Yet, deep down, I know that living this double life is challenging. I’ve kept my passion a secret from friends and family, fearing their reactions. Due to our religion and the law, what I’m doing is not allowed. My community would not understand, and my family, who holds traditional beliefs, would never accept this side of me. The weight of their expectations and the fear of being cast out have kept me in the shadows.
Still, I can’t shake the longing for acceptance, to share this beautiful side of myself with the world. I dream of finding someone who understands. Then, everything changed when I met Kholovie.
I met Kholovie through an online community—a space where people like me could come together and share our experiences in a safe, nonjudgmental environment. At first, it was just a casual conversation. But as we began to exchange messages, I felt something I hadn’t felt in years: a deep, genuine connection.
Kholovie was different from anyone I had met before. He was a Filipino femboy, someone who embraced femininity openly and proudly. He had already made peace with his identity, accepting who he was without hesitation. His confidence, his grace, the way he carried himself—it was everything I longed to be but was too scared to embrace.
We started sharing more personal stories, and through our conversations, I learned about Kholovie’s journey. He had faced his own struggles—his family had initially rejected him when he began expressing his femininity, but he had stood firm.
Slowly, over time, they had come to accept him for who he truly was. He spoke about the challenges but also about the freedom that came with embracing one’s true self. “Ryan,” he once said to me, “I know it’s hard, but it’s worth it. You deserve to be who you are. We all do.” His words stuck with me. The way he spoke about his life, the pride he took in being himself, made me realize that there was a life waiting for me too—a life of freedom. But even so, the fear of stepping out into the world remained. I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t ready to show the world who I really was.
But over time, our bond deepened. Our conversations became more intimate. We shared everything—our dreams, our fears, our desires. Kholovie sent me pictures of his transformations, and I sent him mine. We exchanged makeup tips, talked about the best outfits, and encouraged each other to be bolder, to step more fully into our true selves. Each message from him felt like a small push toward something greater. Something freeing.
Then, one day, Kholovie made an unexpected suggestion. “Why don’t we meet in person?” he asked. “Let’s book a hotel room, get dressed up, and just be ourselves—no secrets, no hiding. Let’s experience the freedom we’ve been dreaming of.”
I was terrified. The thought of meeting Kholovie face-to-face, of stepping out into the world as my true self, filled me with a mixture of excitement and dread. What if someone recognized me? What if the world wasn’t ready to accept me? But Kholovie’s words resonated with me. “We don’t have to hide anymore,” he said. “We deserve to be ourselves, Ryan.”
And so, we made plans. The day arrived, and I met Kholovie at the hotel. When I walked into the room, my breath caught in my chest. He was everything I had imagined and more. His makeup was flawless, his hair perfectly styled, and he wore a dress that complemented his body beautifully. The way he looked at me, the way he smiled—I could tell this was the start of something new. He was not just a friend; he was a kindred spirit, someone who understood me completely, without judgment.
We spent the evening together, helping each other with makeup, sharing our thoughts, hopes, and experiences. We laughed, we talked, and for the first time in my life, I felt truly free. I didn’t have to hide who I was. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. In that hotel room, with Kholovie by my side, I could finally be the person I had always dreamed of becoming.
I felt beautiful, empowered, and—most importantly—accepted. That night, something changed in me. I realized that I wasn’t alone in this journey anymore. With Kholovie’s love and support, I knew I could face the world. I could be who I truly was…
Submitted by Ryan Cross
