I’ve been dressing since I was 14 years old. To be honest up until that point I had always appreciated female impersonators on the television, but had never really understood my fascination.
In my first year of secondary school I can clearly remember looking at the girls in the playground and thinking how much I prefer how they dressed, as I stood there in trousers and a blazer. I’d always some how felt different within myself, I could never explain this.
I have an older sister, who I always been close with, watching her grow from my sister to a young woman, I felt envy when she would return home from shopping trips, with bags full of dresses, heals and makeup. I would stand there in total awe as she model her new outfits for me.
I remember reading a story about a crossdresser and felt turned on as I turned the pages. Not necessarily s*xually, more in an alive way, like I could feel my whole body, in a way that I never had before.
I was close to my mum and used to sit next to her as she applied her makeup, I loved watching her do this, the transformation was always so exciting. The cosmetics looked like amazing jewels to me, everything had a sparkle, that sparkle was hypnotic.
My first experience was a combination of excitement, an overwhelming somatic experience and utter horror. I cried for days after, I felt guilt and shame and hoped that I’d never do it again. I’m 51 now and its been a journey. I’m married and have shared my secret with my wife, who doesn’t get it, but is ok with me dressing whilst at home alone.
I love my fem side, I love woman’s clothes. That moment when I know I have home alone time, is healing for me. Showering and washing my mask of masculinity away, the way I wear my towel, choosing my underwear, putting on music and my favorite bit, the makeup, have turned into a ceremony of sorts.
Exploring how fem I can get helps me release the tension I feel. Choosing my outfit, depending on my vibes for that day, it could be a yoga look, something chic, or something super casual, whatever, it gives me freedom from the man clothes which are so boring. Once my wig is on, I become. Movement and dance is a huge passion of mine and one thing I always do when dressed, is explore how I stand, dance, walk, its never forced and comes so naturally.
I ‘ve struggled for so long to own my fem side, maybe I’m messed up, I’ve got to the stage within myself where I’m caring less. The culture is changing and as a guy who has never really felt at home as an Alpha, I’m happy with my sensitive, chilled vibes. My love of the feminine.
I still feel that that its totally misunderstood, its super special and I really feel that guys like us are here to change the idea that men can’t express there female side, because we can and we can do it really well. Its not all of me, but its a huge part of me, I feel sad that I tend to hide at home and never really go out. Sites like this are helping as other forums I’ve checked out tend to focus on the sexy side too much and seem to negate the love of dressing. I’m glad I found this, these are the first words I’ve ever expressed publicly about my journey.
Submitted by S.L