“I was born and raised in Switzerland, although I lived in Argentina for a bit over 2 years. I went to an American school there, which is why my English is pretty good. It was there, in about 6th grade, that I started stealing some of my sisters clothing and wearing them secretly in my room.
I would then hide those clothes in my room. My mom always found them after a few weeks, which is why the rumour of the “house ghost” was born. But no one suspected me to steal them because I wanted to wear them, which I find weird, but was happy about at the time. I did that on and off again for the whole time I lived in Argentina. No one ever thought anything more about it.”
“While first starting to dress I also discovered a whole new world of YouTube videos. I was obsessed with mtf transformation videos and transgender and drag queen content. And yet, somehow, it still didn’t occur to me that this could be me. It was just so natural and I didn’t think anything about it.
When we moved back from Argentina was when I first stole some of my mom’s makeup, I didn’t even have a mirror in my room, so I just did it without one. It must have looked absolutely awful. But it all felt so right. Then my mom discovered that her makeup was missing and that the “house ghost” had returned.
That really scared me for a while, and for about a year I didn’t dress at all. But the urge never went away, but to avoid getting caught again, I decided to buy my own things. The app wish was my biggest savior then, also Zalando for clothing.
No one could ever tell I was getting stuff to transform myself. And I never got caught with anything ever again. Though looking back I guess it would have been easiest if my mom had just caught me at the very beginning. Would have probably made a lot of things a lot easier if I didn’t have to hide it from everyone for 9 years before coming out.
So back in Switzerland, probably like 9th grade. I remember my first tine shopping in an actual store, quite the experience. Not because anyone gave me weird looks or anything, but I was sooooo nervous. I was sweating a lot walking up to the counter buying my first lipstick, foundation and something else I don’t remember.
Then the shock moment, not enough money… So I actually had to talk to the cashier, who was understandably already kinda weirded out by the 14 year old buying makeup alone. I was mortified. But she was very sweet, paid the last 80cents out of her pocket and smiled at me reassuring me that I’m not that weird.
The second time shopping was worse, went to buy a lacey shirt and a pantyhose and when the cashier asked if she should giftwrap it I panicked for no good reason, sweating again really badly. Didn’t go shopping again for quite a while. After that I started my apprenticeship, so finally I had some money of my own.
But it was also a time where I weirded myself out a lot with crossdressing. So I did what a lot of us do, I threw everything out. Wigs, clothes, makeup. All of it out. And I went about 2 years without dressing, not even missing it. But of course, it always comes back.”
“After throwing all of my stuff out for the first time I didn’t come back to dressing for at least 2 years. I didn’t miss it at all. I never had to suppress a need for dressing. And then, out of nowhere it all came back. I was watching one piece and one woman in the show really reminded me of what I looked like as a girl.
Immediately I ordered new stuff. It was like I never even stopped, it felt so natural again. I continued building a new collection and dressed about once every 2 or 3 weeks, it really worked for me that way. At least it did.
Then I got a girlfriend, the paranoia of her opening my closet and finding my stuff was immense. So once again I threw all my stuff out. This time though, it wasn’t because I lost my drive to dress, but because I thought I could actually have a life without it now that I’m in a relationship. That worked out great as you can see…”
“Absolutely a huuuuuge moment for me. I finally stepped out into the world as Sofia for everyone to see. I was so nervous. But omg was it worth it. Such an amazing feeling. I’m extremely happy to have presented myself to the world. Now I just have to get over the fear of speaking while dressed. But I have taken a huge step and am looking forward to the future and what it has in store for me.” – Sofia
“The late night walks feeling.” – Sofia
Follow Sofia on Instagram: @a_bit_sofia
thank you for shairing this with us. I loved it.
Thank you for persevering Sofia!
It’s great to hear stories like yours as I’m only really just reaching the mid point of my journey. Took me years to have the confidence to buy in bulk and not throw everything out in a shame-induced purge!
My fiancée is one of the reasons I finally have the confidence to pursue everything femme in my life, and profiles like yours on Instagram are the other! Im still not out to anyone else, but thank you for being such a great role model for me and for having the confidence to be you!
X
Good for you Sofia. We have all been there. I started at an early age also and purged and purged. Till as you got in a relationship and was miserable because I couldn’t be me. Relationships failed and I went to a therapist who diagnosed me with Gender Dysphoria and I went on hormones. I never felt more alive in my life.Only missing is that someone to share it with. But I know she is out there somewhere.